Surprisingly it was not always easy to encourage punters into our salubrious alley

Now that the Edinburgh Festival is over it's tempting to wax lyrical about the fun times. But it wasn't always easy. Once some weak-willed women on their way to our show questioned the hype when they were struck by the violent stench of piss that haunted the entrance to our venue... here is an extract of my encouraging them on... let's see how successful I was...Me (post the hype and cracking on with practical admin matters):Half way up the alley, yes, well, best not to inhale until you’re inside the venue to be fair. Turn right at the chair there [points as ladies lumber forth] where the [mutters] where the pipe’s spraying, no, no, [shouts as ladies almost overrun the door] before the crack addict! [to self] If you’ve hit the crack addict you’ve gone too far as Danny would say and said in fact. I am really good at this [also to self]. Uh, oh, why have they stopped? [I wait expectantly while mumbling that I should stop talking to self. Suddenly the crack-head heaves just as Lady is struck by spray from pipe. Damn, his timing's magnificent. Both women scream and run back down the alley towards me. They are heavy-set women. I think about standing my ground and blocking their path. I decide to save myself. They actually stop and explain that they just can't bear *that*. I make an impassioned appeal to reason...] But he’s only dry retching ladies, nothing to worry about, ha, why all the fuss? [and managing to be both chatty and conspiratorial confide how...] I’m pleased he’s put his penis away to be honest, he was struggling to wee for a while and that actually was a bit disconcerting. What, not for you? [through gritted teeth...] Stop breathing in that’s your problem! [I lose them and resort to shouting at the retreating rumps of these two spineless members of our almost-audience.] Alright fine, be precious. See ya’!