Oh To Piss On Your Parade...

I have nearly died every day since it started snowing. I’ve been skidding about all over the place. I finally crashed in full view of the Christmas crowds at Liverpool St station. The sympathetic enquiry of a middle aged woman nearly finished me off. Oh, the shame! The human capacity to feel humiliated makes me think peace is definitely impossible. Our species is too emotional. We could try harder though. When I look at the mayhem the snow has caused across the country I feel more depressed than usual about the desecration of Iraq’s infrastructure. And that’s forgetting about all the dead and mutilated people. Thank God for more important issues like the Royal Wedding. I am so going to be there. I have been planning my outfit. Do you think if I managed to organise great crowds to rock up dressed as different flavours of faeces we would be allowed to hang out? We, the peasantry, gawping, coiffed and costumed as rows and rows of shit, literally pissing on their parade. It would be magnificent. Or would we be arrested under the Terrorism Act, for frightening the royal family in our uncouth turd skirts? The Terrorism Act, such a useful piece of legislation. Used to bring in a twelve-year-old boy for questioning after he arranged a “Save the Youth Hostel” march this week. Good! Teach these kids early that protesting is almost criminal and always futile and then the horses won’t be forced to charge at them. Just look at the students rioting over fees. Imagine, prospective undergraduates, supposedly bookish types, failing to grasp the government’s clear explanation of the new fee limits! They'll lend you the money. They are merely gambling on your credit score because the country’s is fucked you ignorami. This is basic Edwards economics, “it’s just a loan, you don't have to pay it back”. And anyway, the poorest are the most debt averse so this should be celebrated as a happy opportunity to put the kaiboshes on the mockery that is merit based mobility. Settle for simpler dreams. Like regular mobility: the ability to walk along a path without crumpling in a heap at the feet of a stranger.