Today I became a restaurant critic. Like AA Gill, only better. Here is my first cafe review.

I loathe the slap and spray of mastication but lack of space meant I had to share a table in a cafe today. Across from me the besptectacled diner was sucking on an egg sandwich. I say suck, but this implies proactivity, it is more accurate to say his mouth hung open and the egg and cress languished helplessly on his flaccid tongue. I focussed on the man beside him, he was wearing a linen jacket, and looked more confident about sandwich eating as a task. I was mistaken, he dropped a piece of chicken out of his mouth, and he didn't even seem to clock its crash to the tray. To his right an old lady chewed on her soup. Drink from carton, chew soup, drink from carton, chew soup, drink from carton, chew soup, until death. At this point I had entirely lost my appetite, both for my sandwich and for life in general. However my Slim Pret BLT still tasted absolutely delicious. This means that McDonalds owned or not, Pret gets my 5 star snack rating.