Hell hath no fury like a Tory scorned...

Disillusioned Tory billionaire Ashcroft has discovered that money can’t buy you a senior position in government - and now we will all see if it can bring down a Prime Minister. The political strategist has suggested that as a student the PM put his private parts in a pig's head. And he's too rich to sue.The pig scenario as political manoeuvre is an old one: President Lyndon Johnson spread a similar rumour about a rival to see “the son of a bitch deny it”. Denial itself is a humiliating defeat – it recognises that people can picture you doing the deed. It's taken twenty-four hours for opinion to split into those that know Cameron did it (and still hate him) and those that don’t care that he did it (and still hate him). Everyone seems to agree he did something. As the jokes are elaborated so are the theories. Did he teabag a pig’s head, or have sex with a live beast? Pointing out that Cameron wasn’t in the club in question, never mind the meat, is now secondary, politically speaking, to whether he can negotiate Britain’s position in the EU, navigate the migrant crisis, and argue for intervention in Syria, when at any moment an unfriendly oink could crumble his authority.Making an enemy like Ashcroft is another sign of weakness when there is no gulag to banish him to. As for Ashcroft, he can sit back and watch his experiment play out. Even attacks on him personally are a boon. Every time someone argues he's bitter about being excluded from cabinet despite his £8mn donation to the Conservative Party we are all reminded that for his £8mn Ashcroft was offered a junior position – and a knighthood – and his non-dom status was 'missed'. The whole thing stinks.Of course there is no photograph of Cameron with any type of head - but the hint of one is enough to make us wonder if he was in mufti or top hat and tails. I just slapped it with a lamb chop, your Honour. It’s no good: anyone who has seen Charlie Brooker’s satire Black Mirror, or read about public school rites, or military initiation games, thinks it’s the truth. Only Cameron and Ashcroft know that it isn’t - and neither of them will squeal.