Doubt

A couple of days a week I freelance in the press department at the ****** Channel. Every time I work here I take a break at 12pm for lunch and I order a jacket potato w/cheese+cole. I have ordered the same lunch for 18 months now. I stopped enjoying it about 14 months ago. But I refuse to apply the complex reasoning critical to making choices every time I walk into the canteen. I might not especially like potatoes, but I do like consistency, and here it is on a plate. The thing is that recently even the idea of the potato, is making me feel nauseous. And as I poked and prodded the potato problem this afternoon, I felt the heavy burden of a decision that needs to be made.

It is really not a good time for me to be making such dramatic life changes right now. I have been ill all week. I'm pushing through it for financial reasons but my body's aching and every now and then I notice I'm making this face :( with my actual face. On Tuesday I lost my voice. It was odd. Everyone recognises my need to talk for > 83.5% of my waking life. But on Tuesday I didn't even feel an urge to speak. I felt bad when someone held open a door, or handed me my change, or any of the myriad things I would typically thank you for. But mostly, I noticed that I would usually say thank you more often than I mean it.

I don't know if it is related but more generally, I'm also experiencing Great Doubt. It's unpleasant. I might often get stuff wrong, but I normally get things wrong With Conviction. Since I got my voice back I have said "I don't know" more times than I've ordered jacket potatoes. I don't even have an opinion. I have a broad perspective of every angle. I'm like a flat tent. Defeated.

I hope that this self-pitying morbidity is not permanent. I hope a few berocca and a couple more whiskey lemons might revitalise my didactic spirit. Until then I don’t know if I should make any modifications to my routine. Me and the potato will probably have to bumble along like Hamm and Clov, or cheese and coleslaw, or any other unhappy combination…