New Year’s Resolutions? Just do nothing.Tue Jan 2018

My New Year’s resolution is to just do nothing. It’s the only plan of action: you can’t spend your way to savings, eat yourself thin, or text yourself into a relationship.

A case in point: My friend’s lover is pre-internet (over 40). A man whose desire is fired by what he cannot have and who can’t be sated by trawling insta. Easy prey: turn your phone off for the holidays and wait for him to paddle over from France in desperation. Instead she has been harassing him with snaps of vegan winter stacks. This is as counterproductive as sending a selfie in your knickers. You can’t seduce someone by seducing them. No one wants to be seduced. They want to be ignored. They want to be ignored long enough to write an entire relationship in their own mind and weep for it. Which is probably why she can’t stop texting. Each cry for attention provokes a longer and more torturous silence. She conceded that the rice pudding picture was a low point. But let’s be honest, it was the peak: now she can enjoy an orgy of despair until love strikes again. Elsewhere.

Happy new year everyone! x

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